Volume 3 #3 June 18, 2001 We're all familiar with the Garden of Eden. I've seen the Huston flick: "The Bible". Even Mel Brooks lent his grossed out pen to it and did an irreverent celluloid send-up. Also, and much more to the point, I've read the Bible. Genesis is most pertinent. This tale is a bit tilted but a plausible presentation to lend credence to my observations. I have read or heard many theologians suffer through explanations of the truths told in the Old Testament. The hard liners decry: "Every word is sacred and should be taken as such." Then there's the more liberal view that allows for the limited understanding of any upright walking being at the time. Hence, the legend theory: Was Jonah really in the belly of some great fish? The only thing roaming the seas that huge ever historically documented would have had to be a whale. Whales are mammals. Either Jonah was extremely myopic or very short. What about Noah and that 2 by 2 ark? What in the lumber yard is "gopher wood"? Golly. After 40 years, that creature cruise would have been a dung dump! I guess Mrs. Noah and her unnamed daughters-in-law were kept constantly busy scooping out that sucker. I don't think Noah and sons ever did anything but belt back a few and talk sports. Ever had the miraculous experience of seeing a man actually clean a toilet? (If you have, ladies, please send photos and notarized documents in triplicate.) Alright. Now my take on the Garden of Eden. The Lord God created Adam in His own image. He wanted someone to converse with. But Adam got lonely and longed for someone a bit softer and more round. Uh... in certain ... Uh ... regions. So, Adam had a heart to heart with the Lord God and related his desires. God probably was a little irritated that Adam didn't find Him to be the tops of tongue linguists. But He granted Adam his request, anyway. The Lord performed the first operation: a ribectomy and there lay Eve. Adam was major pleased and thanked God profusely, a wee bit over the line profusely, I guess. 'Cause God decided to add a very significant sacred string to this union. He zapped the Tree of Knowledge into Adam's prior paradise. The Lord instructed Adam not to eat from this arborous tempt and Eve got the message, being a woman, secondhand. Eve was much more curious than Adam (a mere man) of many other facets of life. Face it. The Dude was boring! He couldn't carry on a conversation. Same old junk. "I gave up a rib for you. What more do you want?" Eve had heard this redundant rhetoric for, who knows how long. Her eyes had glazed over so many times she felt like she'd been basted! Well, one day while Adam was snoring through one of his "I only need 10 more minutes" naps, she decided to take a stroll through the Garden. She looked about her and sighed. Nothing more interesting here than Adam. She thought she may as well go back and try to awaken the old narcoleptic. Then she heard a very different male voice. It wasn't Adam's. She knew his constant whine. This stirred and excited her in a way that was quite foreign. Eve decided that she must know from what flora this could possibly emanate. She tracked it to that infamous Tree of Knowledge and lo and behold behind it stood a tall, dark haired, blue-eyed handsome man. I know that in the Bible, Lucifer was God's former "Best bud" aka the Angel of Light. Then Lucifer got a bit ticked off with being second banana and wanted to sit in super first class. But God was not at all copacetic with the proposed exchange. So, He revoked his angelic lease and created new digs for Lucifer. He told him he could rule supreme in the deepest south-of-the-tracks neighborhood called Hell! He booted him out of Heaven and splat! Lucifer was indeed deep in the ultimate slum. But he was the lord of this sump hole. So, he decided to fill it with tenants. Enter Eve. Now, in the Bible the Lord clearly states 'twas a snake that convinced her to take that delicious but ill-fated forbidden bite from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. No way it could have been a snake. Let alone a talking one. Any woman knows that upon a snake sighting one immediately grabs the nearest tree branch or perhaps a leftover gopher wood plank and pounds the slimy thing to snakereens! This is my convivial, creative conjecture upon the prearranged relationship between Eve and the Devil. I cast the very fine actor Peter Coyote in this role. The man exudes sensuality. Eve is standing in the Garden next to the "I forbid tree". Lucifer silver-tongues his way into Eve's lonely weaknesses. (due to Adam's ignorant insensitivity) Lucifer had the greatest pick up lines. C'mon. He originated them! Eve: "Who are you?" Lucifer : "Does it matter? I know your true needs and desires." He strokes her long hair and begins nibbling on her neck. She had never known what a tongue could accomplish besides sticking hers out at Adam. Finally, Eve is much pleased! But Lucifer had a personal agenda. Even though Eve was quite beautiful and much to his liking, he had to fulfill his fate. Entice her into swallowing that forbidden fruit. Lucifer knew that if he could complete his plan and get Eve to comply, the duh-brained Adam was putty in Eve's hands. Of course, Lucifer promised always to anxiously await her in their trysting spot. Eve was totally gone on Lucifer so she took the bite from whatever fruit hung from that intelligent tree. Lucifer laid another kiss on her and told her to make Adam partake of the fruit as well. She was a bit puzzled by this but did it anyway. She was still floating in a romantic haze. Oh, we all know the remainder of the trip. Adam bit. Eve got the pain of childbirth. There is a moral, here. For one thing Lucifer never kept his romantic promises. Even though Eve was the first to be bitten and the first to bite. She proved that all of us women are more sensitive and manipulative than men! I hope you enjoyed my fractured fable!