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Volume 2 #15 October 23, 2000
Well, all three Presidential debates involving the two major contenders have been performed, choreographed, orchestrated and offered up for our collective digestive tracts to gulp down or regurgitate. I do know for whom I will cast my vote come November 7th. But I am trying to liken them to some event we can all relate to on some level. I thought... maybe the circus. Then I drifted off, not to the three ring Big Top. (Although, G. W. Bush is a definite clown act. I finally concluded he was more suited to the freak show tents!) The Miss America Pageant... or... uh... oh yeah, they are calling it a "competition" now, was sort of cleavaged between the debates. I decided it was the accurate comparison. But!! With a few significant alterations of agenda. Did Gore and Bush master the complex dance routines in the opening audience grabber sequence? My ten cents a dance tickets (thanks to twelve years of Reagan/Bush "trickle down economics" rose to about one hundred dollars and since the Clinton/Gore years has fought its way back to ten dollars) are awarded to V. P. Al Gore. Last debate, he certainly verbally and physically terpsichored with ease. GW was trying to master the Hustle but he has two right feet. So, he only managed to kick himself in the shins!
On to the swimsuit competition. Now, for me, that's a toughie. I don't generally look at a man and envision him nearly naked. Reluctantly, I must adhere to the rules of my chosen mirror image venue.
Bush: Since I'm still trying to recover my eyesight after being forced by camera tight shots to look at this smirky son-of-a -"read my lips"-face, I cannot bare him any lower.
Gore: He's easy on the eyes in the closeups. A little more hair on his mantle would be a heady asset. Points for broad shoulders and at least having a physique. Out of respect for Tipper, I will not dwell deeper than the Veep's P.C. business suit.
Talent. Bush: Dodge Ball. He's quite good at it. He receives multi points for deflection of direct and pertinent queries, 'course I must deduct a few for fouls. He never seems to know quite which side he's trying to score the goals for. For example: He resents Federal government but he is lusting after the highest Federal position on the team.
Gore: Billiards. A time consuming yet heavy on precise strategy game. (I could have said chess but I know little about it. So, I could not accurately evaluate his performance.) Pool halls I frequent. So, I know when to take aim at the eight ball. Mr. Gore has a twenty five year old well polished cue stick. He racks 'em up and sinks them like a pro.
Finally, welcome to the dreaded and supposedly unrehearsed "this is for the crown" question. "If you attain the right to wear the sash and do the red carpet walk for the next four years, how will you personally save the planet?"
Bush: "I know I will win the election. It goes without saying that the world will win as well."
Gore: "All of you who have graciously provided me with this forum are well informed of my stance on environmental issues. I need not reiterate them. You are intelligent caring people. Therefore; I know you do not want to return to the conditions that plagued us eight years ago. I desire to continue to move forward. I am confident that all of us, passionately working together, will make very positive strides for the collective good."
Competition completed. Crown , sash and red boutonni¸re are waiting in the wings. On whom will the title be bestowed? Wait! The inevitable computer glitch struck! We won't know the winner's name until at least the first Tuesday in November!

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©2000 Carol Ann Carson
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