This is really FREE speech!
Volume 2 #13 July 24, 2000
If I Ruled the World! C'mon, we've all fancied doing it. 'Cause we know we could do a much better job than the ones who presently and, in the past, have proclaimed that they are endowed with the super-powered solutions to make this planet a paradise for every living being. Balderdash! Take your political vaudeville acts to the Catskills where bad jokes and juggling fruit while tapdancing are considered worth-the-price-of-admission entertainment. Alright. I've dealt with them. One problem solved. My platform is: (All World Rulers must have one. Although, Nixon got executive office elected twice without any semblance of one.) I will eliminate wars. Yes! There will be Global Peace. Honor every person. Think: "I will be gracious and respectful, therefore: so will he/she." Smile. Buff your aura to a brilliant glow that radiates friendship, reverence, loyalty and love. Make your previous enemies a beloved mirror reflection of you. Would you harm yourself in some hideous nuclear fashion?
Poverty. (Yeah, Reagan, this country is impoverished. It doesn't just play that way by wealthy actors in long forgotten, ludicrous flicks!) I could solve that. Don't pay farmers to destroy grain because the production rate was miscalculated and the cost per ton price would drop low enough to enable people in even bottom income brackets to consume breakfast cereal. By the buy, a few of you wealthy ones could kick your Dom Perignon and caviar habits. You would not have to fear Robin Hood's legendary wrath. You are the rich, so giving to the poor would not endanger your mortal lives and limbs. Wipe off that "what a great tax deduction" smirk because that doesn't exist, anymore.
Education. Well, I've already solved a lot of its problems. By swift kicking the "Fat Rats" in their custom-tailored covered shins. I mandate that bond issue monies be distributed equally. So, it's time to pass those silver spoons out to cafeterias that haven't ever even seen one because their abodes are zoned "South of the Tracks". The opportunity to obtain and embrace knowledge should not be an elusive dream. It must be a mind grabbing reality.
Environment. As in the crumbling ozone. The disappearing natural life. Whether it's fern or foul. Has claws or fins. It all must be placed on protective status. Don't plant cement. Don't drive a gas guzzler. Step outside. Take a deep breath and, if you survive your coughing fit, you might just grasp (or gasp) that something is frighteningly wrong. You hi-tech "Second Industrial Revolutionists" will choke on your own disc driven isolationism. You must use your artificial intelligence to obtain answers to the diseases of nature that have become the World Wide Plague. Remember, I am your ultimate On-Earth-Judge. You must obey.
Health Care. I declare that doctors should no longer present themselves as Deities. Dr. Zeus your reign has ended. Now, you are earth bound. You must suffer the pains of incisions from scalpel hackers and prescription drug pushers that the rest of us peons or, more appropriately, pay-ons have been forced to endure because you covet your kick-back shiny cars and sunny cruises. You owe us previous victims of your unholy insurance alliances. Whether we are two or ninety-two. I have balanced the scales of inequity. It only requires rational thinking and deductive reasoning. I think even Ralph Nader and Sherlock Holmes would applaud!
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