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Volume 1 #16 October 18, 1999
Noise Pollution. You ever get awakened at some goshawful hour in the morning by the lawn people? (Haven't they been informed of quiet electric equipment?) I must include in this chaotic scenario: the neighbors upstairs! (Don't EVER live under anyone.) I affirm they do not have feet. They have bowling ball appendages. You cannot sleep. Your eyes stare open wide at the ceiling. My significant other always says: "Just close your eyes and think of pleasant things and you will fall to sleep." He smiles his canary eating grin, scooches his head into his pillow (My other rival. You remember Goofy the computer) and, in less than half a millisecond, he's snoring the "Streets of Lights Outville". Two people sharing the same bed are the loneliest of all, (I guess "Three Dog Night" was correct) especially when one is awake and the other is loudly sleeping. I'm not certain which is worse. His noise or theirs. I know he loves me. So, by utilizing the deductive reasoning of Sherlock Holmes - - it's my significant other's fault! I awaken him and he says: (and this is a direct quote) "How can I be snoring, I'm not even asleep". No wonder I am a teeth grinder. Then, when I'm so exhausted I actually do drift to sleep, the little dude wakes me and asks if he brushed his teeth. I have devised many responses to this. Unfortunately, I haven't found a solution. Why he has to ask ME, I don't know. The next day when I can't even dig my fork or spoon - - whatever - - into my initial meal of the day. It could be chopsticks 'cause I can't even see what I'm eating. Kinda difficult when your eyes are at half mast due to sleep deprivation! Then my significant other will say HE is tired. My eyes suddenly obtain super powers. They completely widen. I am so angry, I blurt out ferocious blasts of gibberish. He volleys back at me with howling windy words that would frighten the sailors that survived rounding Old Cape Horn. I think I'll take my chances with the sailors. It's safer and quieter. I'm certain that the "Horn" is smaller than his nose seems at night. I could finally get some sleep. Anyway, we always kiss and privately make up. That's what our life drama is about. We have our disagreements. But we love and respect each other. I would suggest this precaution: have a snore screen done before you get married!

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©1999 Carol Ann Carson
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